Thursday, 20 May 2010

I'm still here. Kind of.

I am in limbo. I’ve been like it for months; floundering, poised up on the top of the hill in my barn, I sit at the island and look out in a state of suspended animation. I am still waiting for the bilateral TMJ replacement surgery. Sorry, I’m conditioned to the medical terminology after a year of injections, investigations and unsuccessful surgery. What I mean is both jaws are to be completely replaced.

“Too much talking,” my husband jests. Not any more. My precious talking. Lordy, how I miss it. And eating, sleeping and yawning. I hardly go out. I’ve tried, but I only suffer afterwards, and I’m not the best company at the moment. I hate to moan but I do anyway. It’s so unlike me. Twenty-three years with Behcets disease, and I’ve never given in before. Having chronic pain can be wearing at the best of times but being in constant pain in my head, jaws and ears is all-consuming. Imagine the worst toothache, earache, abscess, neuralgia pain you have ever had. That’s what it’s like day in, day out. So I hermit; I sit, and wait for the replacements to be custom made. Imagine, in a few months time, I will be walking around with jaws that were made in the U.S.A.

A few of you have missed me and for that I am grateful. I miss me. Some days a catch a glimpse of my old self – she comes out and gives me a swift kick up the derriere and tells me, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” “Don’t let the ‘black dog’ get you,” “Think of all the people worse off than you.” I tell you who I do miss – Woozle. She would tell me what to do.

Since I finished the (third) re-write of Tango Man I have crashed creatively. The second novel has stalled. I have a trio of novels in my head which, if I gave them half a chance, could become a Saga trilogy but I don’t have it in me to get them down on paper. I have a couple of unfinished short stories that I intended for the women’s magazine market. Oh yes, and I keep thinking about writing a non-fiction book about 'Coping with Chronic Illness and Pain.' However, all I do is think about it, then I change my mind because I don’t think I’d set a very good example for someone who fights long term illness and pain and copes when I don’t some days.

For those who are interested, 'Tango Man' is now being critiqued under the Romantic Novelists Association New Writers Scheme. And hey, I’ve written a blog. Think of all the positives. It’s only taken me five months. Surely, I won’t have long to wait for some news from my Consultant. We’re hoping August for the surgery. It doesn’t seem that far away now. Maybe this is the beginning of the great fight back. I’m known for them, but then again...

Until another day

Bye for now