Thursday, 20 May 2010

I'm still here. Kind of.

I am in limbo. I’ve been like it for months; floundering, poised up on the top of the hill in my barn, I sit at the island and look out in a state of suspended animation. I am still waiting for the bilateral TMJ replacement surgery. Sorry, I’m conditioned to the medical terminology after a year of injections, investigations and unsuccessful surgery. What I mean is both jaws are to be completely replaced.

“Too much talking,” my husband jests. Not any more. My precious talking. Lordy, how I miss it. And eating, sleeping and yawning. I hardly go out. I’ve tried, but I only suffer afterwards, and I’m not the best company at the moment. I hate to moan but I do anyway. It’s so unlike me. Twenty-three years with Behcets disease, and I’ve never given in before. Having chronic pain can be wearing at the best of times but being in constant pain in my head, jaws and ears is all-consuming. Imagine the worst toothache, earache, abscess, neuralgia pain you have ever had. That’s what it’s like day in, day out. So I hermit; I sit, and wait for the replacements to be custom made. Imagine, in a few months time, I will be walking around with jaws that were made in the U.S.A.

A few of you have missed me and for that I am grateful. I miss me. Some days a catch a glimpse of my old self – she comes out and gives me a swift kick up the derriere and tells me, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” “Don’t let the ‘black dog’ get you,” “Think of all the people worse off than you.” I tell you who I do miss – Woozle. She would tell me what to do.

Since I finished the (third) re-write of Tango Man I have crashed creatively. The second novel has stalled. I have a trio of novels in my head which, if I gave them half a chance, could become a Saga trilogy but I don’t have it in me to get them down on paper. I have a couple of unfinished short stories that I intended for the women’s magazine market. Oh yes, and I keep thinking about writing a non-fiction book about 'Coping with Chronic Illness and Pain.' However, all I do is think about it, then I change my mind because I don’t think I’d set a very good example for someone who fights long term illness and pain and copes when I don’t some days.

For those who are interested, 'Tango Man' is now being critiqued under the Romantic Novelists Association New Writers Scheme. And hey, I’ve written a blog. Think of all the positives. It’s only taken me five months. Surely, I won’t have long to wait for some news from my Consultant. We’re hoping August for the surgery. It doesn’t seem that far away now. Maybe this is the beginning of the great fight back. I’m known for them, but then again...

Until another day

Bye for now


Preseli Mags said...

Fingers, toes and everything else crossed that the surgery does good things to reduce your pain. How great to hear that Tango Man is being critiqued. It's ages since I read it, but I can clearly remember it. Fingers crossed for that too. Best wishes xx.

Chris Stovell said...

You poor sausage, what a time you're having of it. But, do you know what? You've written a book and a over a half of the next one and you have a head full of ideas for the ones after that. Most people who dream of writing never get that far - so WELL DONE YOU! You'll get a proper appraisal of TM through the RNA New Writers' Scheme - fingers crossed for it. Good to hear from you. Cx

her at home said...

Good gracious woman stop beating yourself up! Of course we miss you and of course YOU miss you, many a weaker woman would have given up the fight long ago, what do you mean you are not a good example I think you are indeed an excellant example of how to cope you are a true trooper and just the sort of person to help others cope wiht serious illness!Someone who will say it is hell but you can get through it. Once you get your spanking new American jaws you will be a new woman.. but tell me, does it come with gum chewing action adn will you find yourself talking with a Texan accent do you think!!!

Settle yourself in an armchair amd moan away dear you have earned the right !! Anyway laughing probably hurts like hell I bet!!ANd I am sure they will love your novel!

Fennie said...

Cheering for you, Angel. Don't give in. But you really sound to be having a rough time. I don't think I would be able to cope. So you're pretty amazing. You must know that. Do right that book about keeping your head above water when pain is trying to drown you. I'm sure that would be a comfort to a lot of people. Do let us know in good time when you go in.

Milla said...

darling girl, this is indeed a return and how glad I am to see you back. you've a lot of friends out here, some you've met (briefly! me! up the Tor!) some you haven't, but we're all rootng for you and wish you well xxx

mollygolver said...

Angel - this IS the beginning of the 'big fight back' You did something you haven't done for five months. We're all there, for you, every one of us. Lots of purple hugs. Molly xx

toady said...

I think you have every right to feel rotten and you surely do get it by the bucket load. Pop in on the Coo now and again and please be kind to yourself.


mountainear said...

Lotsa words here I would have written if I'd got here sooner.

We are missing you and so looking forward to a good natter -September maybe? Do you think you'll have a Yankee drawl or something more east coast with those sexy new American jaws? Debbie - I really look forward to finding out. In the meantime keep going. Hang on in there. x

Fran said...

Blimey. Moan away. If YOU can't moan, where does that leave the rest of us? Come on, August. Get a move on.

CAMILLA said...

Dear Angel,

You poor darling, you are having a real tough time at the moment. We are all here for you dear Angel, hang in there, moan all you want you have reason to.

Hope that you will write that book, best of luck with it.

Sending you lots of gentle hugs dear Angel.

Frances said...

Hello to you from New York, Angel. Are you ready for a big NYC hug? Ready or not ... one is headed your way.

I know that you are so, so good at keeping your pains quiet.

I just wish that all those pains could vanish. If this happens via something sent from my side of the Pond, well... I would be delighted.

With regard to the writing. Don't set up an in-house editor in you mind. Write, re-write. Enjoy words. Enjoy moving those word all around on paper, on a screen, or in your wonderfully talented head.

I am now reading AS Byatt's The Children's Book (mostly on my daily travels on the not very glam NYC subway system) and just get carried away with the wonder of a writer's imagination.

Wonder is wonderful.

Love to you. xo

lampworkbeader said...

Hi Angel. sorry to hear about your troubles and my very best wishes for some pain relief and remedy soon.
I'm intersted to note your novel is with the new writers scheme. They had mine at the beginning of the year. The comments I got back were very mixed. The reader really liked the characters I thought were weak and unrealistic and poured scorn on my heroine, who I thought feisty and funny. She also said said I should try more humour. I've thrown it into a draw now and, like you, I'm half way through my next one. I'd love to hear how you get on. Here's to a second reading Eh!

Sarah Callejo said...

Good luck with everything. I hope your NWS report is very positive and helpful.
I also hope the sunny weather brings back your energy and usual character.
All the best,

Anita Burgh said...

I am so sorry that you are in such pain and feeling so low. it is hardly surprising that you are finding work difficult and don't want to go out. Why bother. Hole up, feel sorry for yourself, have a good old howl and don't be too brave!

Reasons said...

Oh my heart really aches for you. I wish I could do something to cheer you up. Pop round for tea, bring you cake. I have missed you in blogland. Take care and whinge away if you need to..get it off your chest, that's what we're here for.x

Marianne said...

I've just dropped in from Elizabeth's page and was shocked to read about your problems.
No, I can't imagine it. What you are going through. I do know that when I'm in that sort of pain the only thing I want in life is to be painfree. Everything else pales into significance. How can they justify keeping you waiting like that?

Pipany said...

Oh Debbie, you poor soul. Came over here from your comment on my blog and realsied how long it is since we heard from you. Time does that for those of us who seem fine on a day to day basis doesn't it? How you are still able to bear it is beyond me so a flipping great cheer for you - a VERY good example of the reality of coping with extreme pain longteerm. Loads of hugs to you xx

Debs said...

Lovely to have you back again, but so sorry to hear how sore you are. Good luck with the surgery and I hope it makes all the difference to you.

I'm working on my m/s to sent to the NWS at the moment. Good luck with your report.

Jarmara Falconer said...

Hello BSM, Glad to see you are back with us. I'm so sorry to hear your news. I hope things are sorted soon.

Good luck with your writing.

Bye for now,

J x

Posie Rosie said...

Oh Angel, thinking of you...the dark cloud will pass, but what a difficult time you are going through. Fantastic that you have written a book, have a wealth of material and have blogged...onwards and upwards
Posie xx

Suzanne Jones said...

Hugs. Sorry to hear about everything you're going through. But it is great to see you back.


dulwich divorcee said...

So sorry to hear about this, it sounds a total nightmare! Sounds as though you are actually being incredibly stoical. I have everything crossed for good news about the surgery ASAP xxx