Through the Wilderness II - Life as a singleton

I know there’s no need to make excuses for my sporadic blogs but it’s hard being a single parent, trying to juggle everything, especially with my health limitations.

The best way to describe life is domestic chaos, although that hasn’t changed much from when the ex was here as he spent all week in London and I had it all to do then. But in addition to the housework, washing, ironing, mum's taxi duties etc, these days there's also house and car maintenance, re-cycling trips to the tip, lawns, hedge cutting, getting the wood in etc, and I’ve yet to master how to put up a curtain pole!

Having main parental custody of my sons I confess there are times when I crave to sleep for a hundred years or run away – perhaps to somewhere spiritual like India. Of course I can’t. This is my lot and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And it’s only as I write this I see the progress over these last eighteen months. I no longer play sad songs or go through old photos, crying and wailing. In fact, I’ve found it helps not to look back too much. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I’ve learnt from the experience but refuse to dwell. Feeling sorry for myself or being bitter won’t help. Living in the past is corrosive and every minute spent picking at the scabs of old wounds is time wasted on ME and my life and plans, and moving forward.

There are no regrets that I gave my ex his first chance six or seven years ago when he had his first affair. I have no anger or bitterness towards him or his girlfriend. Any tears I shed are not over him. Best of all I feel free; happier than I have for some time that I no longer have to look over my shoulder or play second best. There’s no more feeling insecure or as if I’m going mad. I see the positives - I’m in charge of the remote control, can keep the electric blanket on all night if I wish and eat what I like when I like. My ex wouldn’t let me have a second dog so guess what I did when he left?

Yep, I got a second dog, courtesy of my dear friend, Snailbeach Shepherdess,and he’s the best thing we've done. Meet 'BRUNO'...

Sadly our old boy died a few weeks later but Bruno has helped fill the gaping hole he left for all the family.

Perhaps it’s the indecent amounts of red wine I still consume (some things never change) but I don’t seem to beat myself up anywhere near as much as I used to. I accept I’m only human, even though on occasions I’ll put my knickers on over my tights and don a Wonder Woman top! The house isn’t a show home. The lawns may not be perfectly coiffed like they were in the ex’s day. I might not be a good mother but I’m good enough. I do my best.

I manage my days by keeping busy and focused. I have personal goals - something to work toward and to look forward to. Just for me. You might have seen the challenge for World Arthritis Day I just completed (click on the Arthritis Care avatar at the top of page for details.) After all, a dream is just a wish without a plan. Most of my goals concern being published, especially the hope that one day when my novel makes it through the slush piles, the first thing I’ll do is hire myself a gardener and I'll force him to work so hard, he'll need to take his top off ;-)

Well, what else do I need a man for, other than to cut my lawns? Thank goodness for Ann Summers, that’s what I say! ;-)







Anyone reading this, facing the same predicament I found myself in eighteen months ago, please be reassured, it does get better. It’s not always easy manoeuvring the path of the singleton but if you stay strong and determined (and maintain your sense of humour,)and take every experience as a lesson from which you can learn, you will get there. As I’ve said before, the best revenge in life is to live well. Do the best you can. Be a fighter. You can survive. And you will come through this all the better, wiser and stronger. I promise.

Until another day

xx

It's a battle of heart and mind...

"It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does."

I’ve read some great quotes lately, and another which particularly resonated was, "The pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.."

Image-kateshudsons.blogspot.com




When the main holidays were over and the children went back to school, I was smacked in the face by reality, hence the lack of posts. I know you'll understand. Thank you for your lovely messages. They are a huge comfort, even if I don't always reply promptly ;)

Much of my limited free time I've wandered aimlessly, daydreaming, over analysing, and in between devoured the occasional self-help book as I tried to pick my way through the mess which had become my life.

But here I am, The Queen of fightback, sticking my head above the parapet to write this. As I type, outside there's a solitary swallow – probably the last of the summer, balancing on the telephone wire in the garden as it prepares to leave for a different climate. And as summer wrings its last few weak rays from the sun I’m struck by the parallels between the swallow and me. The summer has gone, and now it's time to move on to the next stage...

I’ve accepted my marriage is over, as surely as I concede that autumn means that most trees and plants die off to preserve their energy for the long winter months and to re-generate in the spring, anew. Start afresh. After the baby step progress I’ve been making, my epiphany feels like an empowering leap into the abyss that is the future. No more numbness; clinging and fighting, stumbling through the memories that are the past, searching for answers or to turn back time. It’s time to stop. Enough. I’ve had enough.

Six years ago, when it happened first time round I thought it was the end of my world but now, in between the emotional turmoil, I know it’s not. And occasionally I glimpse the fun-loving girl I used to be.

I realise I want to look forward, and grasp the future.

It doesn’t matter whether or not I still love him. I love myself more, and actually, if I’m being honest, I don’t love who he is now. The love in my heart is for the man I thought he was; the man he used to be. I’m tired of fighting for something that doesn’t exist any more; of analysing and second guessing what my ex is really thinking. With this realisation, I also see I’ve been clinging onto the past and to things that are out of my control. Any wonders it felt like I was trying to clutch for water flowing down a river. It's impossible to hold onto. The only control I have is over myself and my own actions, and its time to get a grip.

I still understand him, despite everything. Whether it’s just a temporary interruption – that normal service will be resumed soon – or whether he’s lost forever, I don’t know, and I can’t waste any more time waiting to see any more.I don’t want a man who lacks integrity, who isn’t as loyal and loves as unconditionally as me. I want inner peace and happiness back in my life. Its been missing too long. Every moment spent stuck on the past and him, trying to figure it all out is time wasted on re-building my life and future. No one else will do it for me. I need to champion my own cause, for me and the boys, so we can all strive to live, and move on.

We’re getting divorced. End of. I've filed the petition. I had to admit defeat. An unknown future is unnerving, but I'm not frightened of it any more, and I'd rather be alone forever than spend my time constantly looking over my shoulder, being second best, or waiting for it to happen again. It probably would. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and having been here twice now, the chances of him changing and doing the right thing are pretty slim.

I'm brave enough to face it and who know's, it may even be exciting. In a few days when I have more time, I’ll share the coping strategies that I’m learning along this rocky path. Hopefully they may help someone else who may be in the same position as me if they are stumbling the same route and find my blog.

Until then I’ll leave you with a few more of my favourite quotes about moving on and letting go:-

"If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it."

"If you can’t save the relationship, at least save your pride."

“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” — Alexander Graham Bell

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” ~ Hermann Hesse

One final one:-

"No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends."


Thank you all for being there.

Until another day

Bye for now

Xx

Image Kate Hudson Blogspot