Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Farewell...my love...


"Living well is the best revenge," according to George Herbert.

I’m not there yet. It may take some time, but I will, one day, before too long. I hope.

Those of you who know me know I've been here before, and from a previous post will see I’m rather a master of resilience and overcoming adversity. Thankfully, this time it doesn't feel quite so much like it's the end of my world. I know I'll survive. It’s what I do best, and boy, after everything I've had in the last year - in the words of Monty Python, 'Tis but a meagre scratch.'

I jest. Oh, that what I’m going to go through in the next few months would be quite so painless. I’m all too aware, after twenty-two years with someone, this is going to hurt.

I don’t want to put on the worldwide web the innermost details of my personal life. You'll understand and read between the lines. Suffice to say; over the last two weeks my life has crumbled, and it’s nothing to do with cancer…

But hey, I have the best friends and family a girl could wish for - and you good folks - although I know you'll forgive me for saying that despite all this wonderful support, I can be in a roomful of people, yet still feel like the loneliest person in the world.

The reason for this is because I lost my truest, bestest friend about six or seven years ago. We never truly recovered first time round. It's not all his fault. I played my part, and I appreciate I've never been quite the same since. Then last year, with my jaw problems, I know I was a grumpy bitch being in pain. And this year with the cancer scare (although happily it turns out I'm simply a menopausal old bag.) What I'm trying to say is I know all the things I did wrong. It's just that I always believed we had a love that was so special, it would conquer anything.

But I see now, sometimes, love alone is not enough. Naively, I believed the amazing friendship we’d had (and overcome everything thus far) would win through every time. I presumed it was a deep bond that only soul mates have. I took that for granted. Our friendship wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t enough

I’m not often wrong about affairs of the heart. I was this time. However, I gave it my best, for the sake of me, and my children. Even writing this I'm pricked by the knowledge that if I hadn't have had children, I might have made different decisions a few years ago and been through to the other side, onto a happier life by now.

I doubt it. I have no regrets. I truly loved my husband, with all my heart. I/We tried. It wasn’t to be, and perhaps, the one crumb of comfort I have to keep me warm at night in the vast space of bed beside me is that having been there before, I know I will get through this time even though it feels as if part of me has died. I don't have to go through the pain of giving him a second chances this time, no begging him to stay, fighting for him - none of the endless months of torture and heartache. Once I’m through the shock and initial panic of sorting out and unravelling twenty two years of marriage, I will bounce back in my usual, inimitable fashion. That doesn't stop me finding writing this hard, feeling so very sad, knowing how final things are and that my future will be alone. It's a good job I like my own company ;)

I’ve had so many people asking where I am. Thank you for caring. Those who knew what has happened have sent wonderful messages of support, and reading your comments on my last post, I felt I had to post this.

I’m not sure when I’ll surface again. I know I’ll miss the deadline for the RNA New Writer’s Scheme now. But I will most definitely be back…

Here's a quote I made up which maybe I should enter into the google archives:

"Don't despair when the person you love leaves you. The truth is, it's not your loss, but theirs, for they have left the only person who loves them unconditionally, and wouldn't have given up on them..."

See you when I see you

Until another day
Xx

38 comments:

Sarah Pearson said...

I'm so sorry to read this Debbie. It sucks.. Thinking of you x

Frances said...

Sending lots of love to you, Debbie. Reading this post is a bit of a shock, and I do wish that I lived closer to you so that we could have a long chat over tea or some other beverage.

xo

Mari G said...

Hi Debbie.
So wonderful to see your fab blog post again and so sad to know you are going through so much.
As you have written, you are made of stern stuff and will get through it. May the force be with you.
Mari x

bookworm54 said...

Hi! I'm feeling your pain and I'm going thru the same as you-21yrs of marriage and I'm done with it-always saying sorry and then getting kicked in the butt! I have 2 wonderful kids and my youngest graducates from h.s. so she'll be 18 so I'll begin my adventure even though for a few years now I've been doing things as a single women but married in name only. I will send you my love and wish we lived closer to talk and give each other a hug-its sad but we both need peace and happiness, too! I know in the end will both be ok. Your in my prayers!

cherie said...

I'm so sorry, Debbie. Really sorry. I know and believe that you are a strong woman and you will rise above this hurdle in your life, but still...it sucks, and things like this shouldn't happen to you, or anyone really. But life is life and things happen.

I send you lots of hugs and love. Hang in there. You can do this.

xoxo

Rob-bear said...

Oh, dear, Debbie. This is truly horrific. I am so sorry for you in reading this. Would invite you out for tea and hold your paw — er, um, hand (literally or figuratively) — if that seemed appropriate, were I closer.
Now we understand why we've been missing you.
But you are resilient, as you've said. And your blogsphere family will be here for you. Any of us and all of us.
Blessings and Bear hugs is such a difficult time.

Jane and Lance Hattatt said...

Hello Debbie:
We are so very sorry to read this. Twenty two years of married life contains a lot of memories and we trust that the happy times will sustain you through these dark days.

At times like this it is so wonderful to have the support of family and friends, which clearly you have, and we are sure that you will emerge stronger and, possibly, happier in the end. Sometimes just writing it down is a kind of catharsis and we do so hope that this is the case for you.

In the meantime, our thoughts are with you. Take great care.

bayou said...

Oh Debbie, I was now speechless. This is true grief and it will take time to come back to the surface. You can only let it happen and let it go. Take your time to get over it but don't fight that feeling of sadness and grief. When it happened to me - long time ago - I celebrated in my mind some kind of funeral and burried it in the ground, burried all those 20 years of togetherness. I thought, I would never trust a man again and here I am, the happiest woman having won the jackpot. I so hope, you will start afterwards fresh and new and with plenty of fabulous moments again. You will be able to recover and to write, I know it.

toady said...

Oh Debs I'm so sorry. Having read about the last time during the PC days, you do not deserve this again. My heart goes out to you and I just wish I could do something positve to help. Big hug. Carol XX

Fennie said...

Oh Debbie, my heart goes out to you. Gosh, you must be hurting. Life throws great boulders at you and seems to smash you down, but each time you bounce back. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I wish I could offer some protective shield - I still remember the goose you offered me at Christmas - so selflessly - but I am only one of a hundred friends that you have made that you can rely on in difficulty. So please don't think you are alone. Any little thing - or even big thing.

Do hope the jaw is getting better and stronger and that your writing is winging. Why not a novel about Behcets and the silk road, the caravans and Samarkand, the deep azure blue of the desert at dusk, the smell of camels. You, journeying uncertainly into the heart of landlocked Asia - but as who, what, when, how? An inheritance, some scientific mission, a rescue, revenge, some Victorian adventure into the sands of time?

Far away from your present problems anyway. And if you are travelling, by camel or any other means, do come and visit. I'd love to meet you in person.

mountainear said...

There's not much I can add to what has already been written above.

Yes, you are a bouncy tough cookie and yes, you will survive but that doesn't mean it's going to be an easy journey. Hope you will shout out if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to shout at. There are one or two of us near enough to be a sounding board and proffer tea and sympathy.

With love etc x f

Blossomcottage said...

Like Mountaineer I feel all that can be said has been said, but that does not stop me from feeling so much for you, I can only say that from experience there is light at the end of the tunnel, and it will in time glow nearer to you and brighter, but for the time being I send you all the heart felt wishes I can muster xxxx
Blossom

Irish Nomad said...

Debbie - my heart goes out to you. I wish I could speak to you in person and give you a massive hug. I don't know what else to say...xxx

Rosemary Gemmell said...

That's so sad, Debbie, especially after everything else life has thrown at you. Well done for being gracious through such pain.

Sending cyber hugs.

Tattie Weasle said...

I am so sorry. I can add nothing to what has already been said except. {{{HUGS}}}

Milla said...

you've made me cry again, you swine.
You sound positive within all the crap and are that bit stronger knowing that the avenues are limited (ie you've been all cried out and the taking back, the promises, the beseeching etc are roads *not* to be followed) so the future beckons and it will be good, Debbie, it will. Shuck off the rubbishy bits, believe in yourself (we all do!) and the only way is up. XCX

Caroline said...

HUGS - that's all I can say really. Caroline x

Twiglet said...

Thinking of you - and remember what Mountainear says - there are a few of us close at hand who are good listeners and happy to offer "get together" time. x Jo

Pauline Barclay said...

Big big big big hugs, Pauline xx

Anita Grace Howard said...

Debbie, my heart goes out to you. But I've been reading your blog long enough to know that you are a strong, vivacious, and beautiful woman. Like you said, "Good thing you like your own company." Guess what? We like it, too. So take all the time you need to heal and adjust, knowing we'll be here cheering you on in spirit, and waiting patiently for your triumphant return. <3

Norma Murray said...

Debbbie, I am so saddened and shocked to hear your news - but do keep on with your writing, it's a wonderful means to escape.
Thinking of you - Lampie

L. Diane Wolfe said...

I'm so sorry. It sucks when things spiral out of our control.

Keena said...

my prayers are with you....I'm so sorry to hear!!

bodran... said...

Awww debs Your so right hes the loser and your worth so much more xx get together soon.

Debs Carr said...

Just quickly checking my emails from Paris when I saw this. I had wondered where you were. Sending you hugs and lots of love.

I've been where you are now, although my first marriage didn't last nearly as long as yours has, but, I do know you'll come out of this and be fine.

Do email at any time if you simply need to rant or whatever. x

Friko said...

You sound like somebody who is very strong, you need to be what with being under constant bombardment .

I'm sorry, life can be such a bitch.

elizabethm said...

I have been there too and like bayou am the stronger and happier for it. It will come to you too, I am sure of it. If you want a couple of days away come up here. Not too far. If you don't feel like the drive I will come and get you if you like. xx

Fred said...

Fuggery-rollocks.
Much love. x

Bish Denham said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. I send you peace. It is the only thing I have to offer.

Breathe in peace, breathe out pain.

snailbeachshepherdess said...

Along with the rest of The Welsh Border gang big hugs and yu know where we are - just the other side of the hill. Stay strong, take care.
J

Pondside said...

There's not much I can add - can just say that I'm thinking of you. Life throws an awful lot at some and it's just not fair, but it's the way it is. Stay strong, stay in touch with your friends.

Flowerpot said...

I am so very sorry Debbie - I wondered what had happened. You are a brave and special woman and I know you will fight through this but I can only guess how you feel right now. Hugs xxx

Ki_Ki Rose said...

Wow Debbie, you have given me strength.. I'm very new to the whole blogging scene, n accidentally stumbled across your page when I googled 'no such word as can't. As a child, this was drummed into my head.. Cut a long story short, I read your blog about this topic and was touched by your other posts..

I too, have had one of the most traumatic upbringings and am trying to deal with the emotional side of them today..

There's so much I could write.. But not confident enough to write blogs yet, however u have inspired me.

Much luv from Melbourne Australia xxx

her at home said...

Bon courage dear, Im going through the same thing having been dumped after 28 years for a younger model who apparently is my one true loves true love...ah well what doesnt kill us makes us strong etc but its hard to live through none the less and doubly hard to see the children feel so betrayed ..

Jennifer said...

I am sorry for your sadness. Sending you much love :)

Josh Hoyt said...

I'm so sorry to hear this know that even though it feels like you are going through this alone there are many that are with you. My thoughts and hopes are with you.

Sallys Chateau said...

A very good quote of yours Debbie x

Colette McCormick said...

Nothing I say can make it easier so I'll send you a hug instead.
Take care
x