Monday, 6 June 2011

Positive vibes welcome. Please

Tomorrow, Tuesday,7th June,I find out whether I have Endometrial cancer.

I tell you this because earlier this week, I watched a documentary about Joseph Merrick, better known as Elephant Man, and how he lived for his short twenty seven years with the terrible affliction of Proteus Syndrome. Speculation still surrounds his death and whether it was accidental or deliberate on his part. And as I listened to the programme it struck me how his infirmity must have affected him, living with it day in, day out, and I found myself empathising, understanding if he did stage his own death why he might have done so.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never encountered anything like the physical difficulties or prejudices Merrick had – in fact, the outsider would never know from first glance anything was wrong with me. But living with Behcets,an auto-immune disease means there’s always some new health hurdle to contend with and I can totally understand how someone who lives with terminal illness, or chronic pain or illness might decide they’ve had enough.

Pain has been my lodger, my cross to bear (or ignore) for the last twenty five years. There's always something. Usually it's arthritis but I also experience colitis, ulcers (mouth and vaginal,) or some other aspect or by-product of the treatment for my condition. I've had septicaemia, avascular necrosis, miscarriages. The latest development is some sort of vascular problem with my hands, feet and head which I'm seeing my Rheumatologist about in a couple of weeks. Six months ago, I thought I’d tackled the biggest obstacle with the jaw replacements and hoped there might be a little respite for a couple of years. However, it seems Mother Nature has other ideas.

I’d ignored ‘women’s problems’ (constant, heavy bleeding and niggling stomach cramps) for months and put it down to the stress of the surgery, perhaps my system lashing out, or maybe being forty four years old I was simply a menopausal old bag! Eventually, I relented to hubby's badgering and went to see the GP. As a result, for the past few weeks I've had all sorts of investigations which have found an enlarged uterus, abnormal blood and smear tests, and in between, you may recall we had to cancel a trip to New York in March because two days before we were due to travel, I ended up in A & E with crippling stomach pains. As I lay in that A & E bed, I turned to my hubby and meant it when I said, ‘If it is cancer, I don’t want to have treatment. I’m weary. I’ve had enough.’

To be fair the hospital has moved quickly and after more delving, a couple of weeks ago I had a biopsy to test for Endometrial cancer, the most likely cause for my symptoms. In my heart, I don’t think it will be and even if it is the ‘C’ word, the prognosis is good if I have a full hysterectomy and chemo/and/or radiotherapy. But do you see what I mean? I thought I’d come through one big, bad lot of surgery; of life being on hold, cancelling holidays and experiencing pain so bad, I literally used to writhe in agony on the sofa. If it's not cancer, months of treatments may lay ahead and if none of them work there could be the same end result - a hysterectomy. And what really peeves me is whatever the outcome, as sure as night follows day, something else will come along. It's the nature of the beast that is 'auto-immune disease.'

Hubby and my boys have years ahead to enjoy their lives. Do they really want to carry this sickly, relentless burden around for the next thirty, maybe forty years? And am I not entitled to decide when I've had enough?

NO. As one of my best friends pointed out, I’m a mother and with that role, there is obligation and responsibility to my children. There isn't just me to think about. I have to carry on doing what I do best - fight - whether this is cancer or just another manifestation of the Behcets.

I’m in a perfectly lucid and rational mood - I promise - so please don’t think this is me being depressed or feeling sorry for myself. I don’t want tea and sympathy, although some positive vibes for Tuesday might help ;)

I suspect only those who live with chronic pain or illness will truly understand what I’m alluding to in the above. Perhaps if you read this and it means something you might leave a comment so that those close to me don't think I've gone completely bonkers, and that I know I'm not the only person who wishes in today's modern world we had the right to choose when and how we might turn the lights out.

We all deserve to be able to say, 'Enough is enough,' don't we?

Until another day

Bye for now
xx

70 comments:

Sarah Pearson said...

I can't pretend to know what you're going through and I won't even try. What I will do is send you all the positive vibes I can, and give your hand a virtual squeeze tomorrow.

Take care of you honey xx

Jane and Lance Hattatt said...

Hello Debbie:
We feel that we have some understanding of what it is like to experience the burdem of seemingly endless treatment, but you have already shown great strength of spirit and will, we trust, find what is needed to address whatever challenge you may next face. Our thoughts are with you.

Flowerpot said...

Sometimes life just throws everything at you and when you think it cant get any worse it does. I do feel for you so much Debbie but you have the courage and spirit to endure this if anyone can. Will be thinking of you so much and sending cyber hugs. You are one brave lady. xxx

cherie said...

Debbie, I'm sending positive vibes your way ASAP. I've been thinking about you and how you're doing, so I was glad to see you have a new post up. Except...it's not something to be glad about, and though saying "I'm sorry" doesn't help you, I will still say it.

I can't imagine a whit of the pain and frustration you go through every single day. I can't say to you that I understand and know what you're going through because I don't know what it's like. I can only tell you this much: If I were there I'd give you a hug. You are a beautiful and strong person but even the best of us is allowed to tire of life's bitter dealings. You are allowed to say you're tired of it all. It doesn't mean you're giving up. Sometimes, to acknowledge this weariness helps us get through it.

My husband's aunt had cancer for 12 years. She was a fighter. She wasnt always optimistic, and she wasn't one of those who could go through chemo and radiation and still come out upbeat and smiling. No, she cursed it, she complained, she got mad. She allowed herself to feel these emotions, to tell herself it's okay to acknowledge that yeah, this was shit. Life was unfair. I believe that Her determination to beat the crap out of cancer while it was beating her up inside helped her live far longer than any one with the type of cancer she had. She lived to see her grandchildren born, and her daughter marry. And right at the end, when she knew what was coming, she said she'd done all she can and that was it.

I didn't mean to make this comment too long or too depressing--sorry. I just want to let you know that although we are thousands of miles away and have never met in person, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you hope, faith, and the best the world can offer. <3

Melissa Marsh said...

I've had health problems for the last 10 years, though not nearly as severe as yours, so I do have a slight inkling of what you're going through. The spirit and body and mind just gets weary and just wants to be HEALTHY and FEEL GOOD for even one day. I'm tired of all the prescriptions I take and all the times I have to visit the doctor. It's hard.

But you are a strong woman - and I pray that it is NOT cancer, but something easily treatable. Thinking of you...

Pipany said...

Debbie there is little I can add to what's been said, but I am sending HUGE hugs and MASSES of positive vibes your way. Much love honey xx

Cathy said...

May hugs, strength, prayers, and all good things be yours.

Julie P said...

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Take care - I do hope it's a good outcome for you.

Julie P XXX

mountainear said...

Debbie I have my fingers crossed for you and am sending big soppy positive vibes.
Truly hope it's just a glitch - you don't deserve another shovelful of s!!t
With love x
Catch up with you soon I hope.

Milla said...

Oh, DEAR Debbie, I am writhing w vibes for you poppet! God knows, if anyone deserved a break it's you. V much looking forward to GOOD news being reported back. Kisses

Shirley Wells said...

Other people have already said what I wanted to say - and said it so much better.

Rest assured that I'm sending all positive vibes your way. I shall look forward to returning and reading *good* news.

(((Hugs)))

Fennie said...

Hugs, Debbie. All I can offer. And virtual at that. I thought some of your recent posts were dark. Best of luck on Tuesday. If you believe it will be OK - and you seem to - then it will. Do take care and let us know what happens. Heaps of vibes.
Fxx

bayou said...

Dear Debbie,
I will be thinking of you and I send you all loads of courage and positive waves I can.
I am far away of having an idea what you are going through but I know that nobody gets more on his shoulders than what he can carry. I know that you are such a strong lady and I know that you have the right "entourage" sorry, can't find the word but all those who love you deeply are supporting you. I don't believe that it is cancer but one does always think of this nasty illness first. I hope you get an immediate result and I hope that you will be in good hands. Once you know, you will find a way to fight and I am sure you will find the resources to start the combat. Je t'embrasse bien fort. All the best, you'll be in my mind, Bayou

Debs Carr said...

Will send all positive vibes and be thinking of you tomorrow (7th). I'm hoping all is well and sending you cyber hugs too. x

bradan said...

Sending masses of vibes for a positive result. Thinking of you, much love. xx

Rosemary Gemmell said...

Dear Debbie - I'm sending all my positive vibes and heartfelt prayers your way for tomorrow and I leave you these quotes:

"He who has not looked on Sorrow will never see Joy." Kahlil Gibran

"Beware of desperate steps. The darkest day, live till tomorrow, will have passed away." William Cowper

toady said...

Oh Debbie I'm sending all the vibes in the world for tomorrow and a bcketful of love.
Toady
XX

Norma Murray said...

Angel, big purple coo vibes all the way my dear. I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best
Love lampie

Fred said...

Just how much more shit is going to be fired your way dear, dear girl? I am gushing positive vibes from every pore, I may also send you a virtual hug, which as you know is a complete no no for me:)

God bless you, Debbie and if He wants to prove His existence I think He ought to start by being kind to you. Much love xxxx

Teresa Evangeline said...

This is turnaround time, my dear girl. Onward and Upward, into a bright tomorrow and even brighter future, free of any notion of dis-ease. All my best thoughts and prayers. Teresa

Tara Tyler said...

i'm putting you on my blog and i'll be praying for you.

Frances said...

Debbie, I am so, so sorry to learn that you are awaiting yet another serious report from a medical team.

As I type this, it's already Tuesday where you live, and so I must sent my best wishes and strongest positive vibes by air express. May they reach you, embrace you, and give you some additional strength.

Love to you and your family.

xo

TIGGYWINKLE said...

Special prayers for you to-day Debbie.Can't believe you have yet another hurdle to cross. It is difficult to understand why some people get so suffering in this life. Wish I could be some comfort to you and give you a hug. It must be so exhausting mustering up courage all the time. Please God the news will be good. Keep us posted. xxx

Colette McCormick said...

We will all be with you today in spirit.
Sending VERY positive vibes.

Rob-bear said...

As someone who has lived much of my life with chronic illness and pain, I understand something of what you are feeling. With this new thing (I won't use the "C" word), I worry that the cure will be worse than the disease. Here's hoping that there is some good news for a change. You are such a trouper about this! And, please, let us know how all this turns out.

Blessings and Bear hugs!

elizabethm said...

Debbie, I do know and understand what you are talking about and I don't think you are being bleak or nuts. Heaven knows after all you have managed you have a right to be tired! I am sending you all my love and energy and positive thoughts. You are inspirationally brave but I hope you can just have some time off being an inspiration! much love.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Having come here today and seeing a lovely person whom I've had the pleasure to meet, going through such difficult circumstances, I'm struggling to find the right words.

You're in my thoughts. Let this be something you can overcome quickly and painlessly, and let your beautiful boys have their wonderful mother for at least another 30 or 40 years.

Yes, you're right, we should be given the choice.

CJ xx

Exmoorjane said...

Oh my darling, my poor lovely darling girl.... Just the biggest hug possible.
If it turns out to be endometrial cancer, then yes, the prognosis IS very good indeed - my sister had this many years back... And yes, tough as it is, and tired as you are, we (quite apart from your family) need you. Just wish I could wave a wand for you...so wish...jxxxxx

CAMILLA said...

Dear Angel if anyone deserves better luck it's you. Hope the news today is good news for you.

Sending over lots of purple vibes for you, you are in my thoughts and prayers dear Angel.

xx

dulwich divorcee said...

So sorry you're going through so much. I'm sending you all my positive vibes, for today and for every day xx

Posie said...

Oh Debbie, you are so positive, huge huge positive vibes from me, I do hope it is good news, but also that they can find a way to rid you of this awful pain. Thinking of you and sending huge hugs your way. Take care xxx

Faith said...

You're such a brave girl Debbie, what a struggle it all is for you. Sending you loads of vibes, truly I do. My youngest daughter has been in and out of hospital the last two years, they still havent found out whats wrong with her, so I know a little tiny bit maybe how you are feeling. Bless you.

Chris Stovell said...

I really don't know what to say, except that I wish you better health so that your burden isn't so heavy. All best wishes, Cx

Bluestocking Mum said...

You are all soooo lovely. I'm overwhelmed and thank you for your positive vibes and kind messages.

And they have obviously worked. Really good news - it isn't cancer!

Consultant thinks it's my age and hormones all over the place. They have frozen the top of my cervix to stop bleeding and going to try a combination of implant and drug therapy as first course of action.

I'm in a little pain now but this is really good news and I look forward to posting a more positive blog very soon.

Thank you to you all for your support.

Bye for now
Debbie
xx

I PROMISE now to try and catch up with everyone's blogs just as soon as I can.

Sarah Pearson said...

Debbie that's wonderful news! I've been worrying about you all day. I'm so so happy foryou.

Terri Tiffany said...

Thank you for coming by my site yesterday, it seems that I have dropped in at a good time--so that I might pray for you right now. I am doing that and praying you have heard GOOD news!!!

cherie said...

Debbie!! So happy to hear the good news! I am so glad. Take care and rest up. You are such an inspiration. On days when I'm feeling down, I think about how brave you are and then I smack myself for whining in the first place.

XOXO :D *happy dance for you!

Shannon Lawrence said...

Though I'm too late to send positive vibes for the appointment, I still want to send them while they figure out what it is and what treatment will be best. Great news that it isn't cancer! Pain-free vibes your way.

Friko said...

By now you know, I think.

I am a survivor of endometrial cancer and various other bits and pieces.

I too have said before now, enough is enough, but I'm still here.

If any of the bits and pieces and their treatments come back - as they well might - or those that are permanent unwelcome visitors in my life decide to make their presence felt a little more strongly, I have decided to pack it in.

But, will i really?

If I can find your email, I might get in touch. Or, if you feel you want to, get in touch with me.

Milla said...

Huzzah and hoorah!! One big nasty kicked to the kerb xx

Talli Roland said...

Debbie! I've just seen this post. Whatever the outcome, you are obviously a very strong woman and I'll be thinking of you and sending lots of good thoughts your way.
xx

Anita said...

Oh, my dear friend. I just now read this and you're at the top of my vibe list as we speak. Please keep us posted. I know from experience (grandfather) that cancer is scary and vindictive; but the human spirit and will to live can be even stronger. So I'll wish for you the courage to handle whatever is thrown your way through this. We're here to listen whenever you need us. And my thoughts are with you, dear friend.

Anita said...

OH YAY!!! I just saw the update comment. I should've read through the thread first! I'm so happy the news was good! Bless your heart. How scary. I hope they can get those crazy hormones in check to give you some comfort, but at least now you have peace of mind. :)

Rob-bear said...

Great news! So thankful to hear it.

Blessings and Bear hugs.

bradan said...

Brilliant news! So glad it's nothing nasty. Just relax now and enjoy your wine! xx

Posie said...

Oh fabby fabby news...so pleased for you, and I am so glad they have an action plan to deal with the awful symptoms you are having....hope all goes well and lots of hugs and good vibes as you get through all of this honey xxx

Josh Hoyt said...

I'm sorry I missed this post until now but glad I'm able to read it now. I feel your pain and sadness and fear but also I sense some strength behind your words. It is the quiet strength that keeps us going and helps us fight on even when it seems to hard. I once actually in class had to argue for euthanasia. It was eye opening and gave me a perspective of what some people go through. I also saw my mother in law go through the pains of cancer and as she tried her best to remain strong. My heart is with you and all the positive vibes I can send are yours to have.

Irish Nomad said...

Late as usual but so pleased the news wasn't terrible. Want to give you a big hug. Sorry it has to be a virtual one. You write so eloquently Debbie no matter what the topic. Anyone ever tell you 'you should be a writer'? ;) xx

Carole Anne Carr said...

Just found your post, and so relieved to hear that it was not cancer. Such brilliant news, many many hugs... Carole. x

Lins' lleisio said...

So glad and relieved to read your update. Hugs and positive vibes being sent still. xx

elizabethm said...

fantastic. xxxxx

Talli Roland said...

Oh yay - I just scanned the comments and noticed it's positive news! I'm so thrilled for you! Phew - I was thinking about you over the past day or so and wondering how you were...

Jane and Lance Hattatt said...

Hello:
We have just returned, almost not daring to look, but what joyous news!

Take the greatest of care!

Ally H said...

Sounds like that Welsh air did you the power of good. Hope it's all good news from now on! You deserve some respite from it all.

Looking forward to seeing you on Monday, lovely lady xx

Ps don't you have some lovely followers? It was so heartwarming to read all their comments x

Jennifer said...

Debbie, That is great news! I was thinking good thoughts for you all day on tuesday.

mountainear said...

Great news Debbie. xx F

Colette McCormick said...

That is marvellous news x

Keena said...

you're in my thoughts and prayers.... I too have a chronic illness and its no fun!!

bayou said...

Hello Debbie, hope you have some good rest and enjoy the beauty of nature and recover from all that pain quickly. Am thinking of you and send you my get-well-soon wishes!

Caroline said...

Ohhhh I'm really REALLY late in posting - so sorry! Been on hols. But I'm SO GLAD it's good news Debbie. Phew! Hope you get better soon. Caroline x

Arlee Bird said...

Wishing you a speedy return to normalcy and a return to blogging.


Lee
Tossing It Out

Jenny Woolf said...

I've just found your blog. I'm so sorry about your endless ill health. And I'm so glad it wasn't cancer.

Suzanne Brandyn said...

I am pleased that it is good news. When I read your post my heart dropped. Keep well.

Suzanne :)

Rob-bear said...

This is Bear, just checking in, to see if you're still OK.

Blessings and Bear hugs.

Words A Day said...

Hi Debbie
I'm glad to hear it wasnt cancer.
Hope you are feeling as well as can be expected. Take care:)

Frances said...

Debbie, I am so late in commenting to your comment. Admit to keeping an eye out for a new post, and then, I just thought ... hey, go to her comments.

Positive vibes from all over could not have hurt.

I am so glad that you got that good news. And look forward to your next post, when you'll tell us that you have been doing some writing....

xo

Rob-bear said...

A month ago, we heard that our blue-sockinged heroine was not experience the dreaded "C-thing."
today, we hope she is still doing reasonably well, all thigs considered. As in she's all right for the shape she's in.

Bish Denham said...

Sending positive vibes your way and hoping the Universe blesses you with peace.

Caitlin Vincent said...

*positive vibes*

I honestly have no idea what to say in response to your post. I wish I knew the appropriate words.

I don't suppose this will make you feel much better, but I've tagged you in a meme. If you get the chance, come check it out.

Curmudgeon said...

I am hurting with you I had a son that burned and the one living has tourettes. I am due for surgery in a week. It will do you good to visit my blog. If you don't laugh that means we were probably married at one time. lol bought all the tee shirts dan the curmudgeon